My Birthday

I told my roommate Tadashi first what's been on my mind: I'm about to have my 24th birthday. It's not a huge milestone or anything, but that's how old Leslie was when she died. It's depressing. A little sister should never have to catch up in age to her older sister. I still celebrated Leslie's 25th birthday and I will every birthday after that, but I feel like her mind and body are frozen in time. No one will ever see what she would look like if she were older than 24. She never got to have her dream wedding or start a family like she wanted. If things go as they should, I will have done all those things in my lifetime.

This year I will be 24. Next year I will be 25; one of the many things Leslie will never get to do. Spring 2012 I will graduate with my Masters degree. That's probably the first thing I will get to experience before her even though she was heading toward that goal first. This year I watched one of her favorite books that had been turned into a movie. I hung up the Christmas lights, her annual tradition. I got to eat lunch with Scott today, Leslie's love of her life. They were so close to getting married I feel like he's my brother. Though Leslie is gone, all the bonds she helped me form during her life remain and in a weird way feel stronger.

It feels like Leslie's life and my life are slowly blending together since I'm doing things she was doing before she passed away. Normally I would be looking at what Leslie had done recently and think to myself, "I will get to do that too someday." Now that I've caught up to her, I feel like my life isn't real. It's just a dream and I try to just get through each day. Leslie's my best friend. Everything feels hollow without her.